Category Archives: RPM Rants

Please, Wear Clothes That Fit

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I was going to direct this toward teenage girls (based on what I saw in church yesterday), but I decided to mention guys upfront first so I am not attacked as a bitter old woman who just hates the hot young things running around in short shorts.

It is summer time, and that means the clothes are coming off. Which, fine. I don’t mind a nice piece of eye candy (see: Magic Mike with Channing Tatum).

Guys, most of you are not eye candy. I’m sorry to break it to you. At the pool side, beach, or water park, little clothing is acceptable. But if you think you’re turning on your neighbor by mowing the lawn without a shirt, I have some bad news for you. For the most part, you’ve got a beer belly and/or back hair. Your girlfriend or wife has to live with that. The rest of the world doesn’t.

Teenage girls of the world: At the risk of sounding like my own mother: are you really going out like that?

I understand the need to fit in by being fashionable and wearing the latest trends. However, you can be fashionable without having to pick your shorts out of your butt cracks or, uh, other nether crevices. Clothes that are too small and too tight ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE. Teenage boys (and some grown men) may try to convince you otherwise, but please trust me: a little mystery is attractive. A woman who can move comfortably in her clothing without picking at various parts of the fabric will get more positive attention than a chick spilling out everywhere.

Don’t get me wrong, spilling out of your top or bottom will get you attention. However, bulging out of your shorts and/or tank tops reduces you to your lumps. You are more than your lumps.

You can find short shorts that actually fit. Unless you can’t, in which case think about skirts, walking shorts, or another trend that is good for your body type. NOT EVERYONE CAN WEAR THE SAME CLOTHES and that is okay. While fitted t-shirts can look nicer than strappy tank tops, be aware of how fitted they are.

Also, learn how to buy bras that fit — adult women, you can benefit from this too. A bra that leads to bulging around the straps is too small. If, when you remove your bra at the end of the day, you have deep red grooves on your torso or your shoulders, you should think about scheduling a professional bra fitting. Your back will thank you.

Lastly: Flip-flops are not the only option for summer footwear.

Parents: Teach your children to dress. I’m not saying that kids should walk around in ankle-length skirts with high necklines, or boys should only wear khaki pants with button up shirts. Shop with them. Especially your daughters. Yes, once they are teenagers, they are going to wear what they want, and they are going to flout all your rules. But if you teach them that it’s possible to be stylish without being uncomfortable all the time, they will thank you later.

Of course, this is all coming from a 40-something who wears green or purple skinny jeans when the mood strikes. Mileage may vary.

What fashion trend do you wish would die?

Random Thoughts: The Too Much Information Edition

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Another reason I haven’t been blogging as often — Hello! Welcome to my internal stream of consciousness — is because there are WAY too many issues I could write about, most of them centered on women’s issues.

I’m a feminist, by the way. Have I mentioned that?

Anyhoo, here are just a few things I’ve had thoughts about in the past, oh, 24 hours.

1. That poll about working mothers. Or women breadwinners. Or however you want to parse that poll.

First of all, 51% think female breadwinners — i.e. a woman supporting a family with children under 18 — are a negative thing?

Hello, gentlemen. Welcome to the 21st century. Women have been entering the workforce in large numbers for 40+ years now. They do more than become nurses and teachers. Get used to it.

The most interesting take I read about the results from this poll came from Will Saletan at Slate, who tried parsing the numbers differently, to see if age, marital status, and/or parenthood effected one’s positions on these social questions. Really good stuff here.

What do you think? Has your age, whether or not you’re married or single, and whether you’re a parent changed your views? How or why?

2. The age-old question: What Do Women Want?

Someone wrote a book! Ballsy.

Seriously, though, I am fascinated by this research. One of the upshots of the science explored in this book is that women (as a sex) may not be the shy, monogamous creatures that society paints them as. Author Daniel Bergner goes toe-to-toe with evolutionary psychology (*cough* crackpots *cough*) in this book.

I just ordered it from Amazon. I’ll let you know what I think! (Of course I will.)

3. #FBRape and how an Internet campaign took on a giant — and won. (Kinda.) (I totally want to be Jessica Valenti when I grow up [profanity ahead].)

4. A little outrage over some other women stuff from fellow Pittsburgh blogger @scarletfire. (No. No I’m not OK with it.)

5. Grin and bear it. Bear with me.
Not BARE. C’mon, people. (No links. Just my latest pet peeve in the grammar/spelling wars.)

Gun Denial

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A conservative gentleman whom I follow on Twitter tweeted a Breitbart News headline about an ABC poll.

According to the ABC poll, Americans believe guns make homes safer, 51 to 29 percent (gun owners, not surprisingly, believe it more, with a result of 75 percent).

The key word here is “believe”.

Here’s the thing: Science proves these people wrong: Gun owners are 4.5 times more likely to be shot, shows this 2009 study.

So along with creationist proponents and climate change deniers, we now have another group of people who don’t care what science says. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some overlap in these groups.

I don’t mind the reporting of the poll results. That’s all fine. However, if we are going to say “people believe” can we please also say “studies in fact show”? Is that so hard?

In lieu of a spluttering rant about the Senate defeat of gun control measures, which happened in the middle of last week, which was just horrible pretty much all the way around (The Onion pretty much nails it), I send you to Carpetbagger, who said it better (and more calmly) than I could.

I will keep saying this: The status quo on guns in this country cannot stand. If Congress won’t do its job to make us safer because of the NRA and gun lobby, then they need to be fired. I bet it’ll make the economy improve, too. Just a feeling.

Random Thoughts: The Little Earthquakes II Edition

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1. A horrible, tragic thing happened in a city that I happen to love, at an event that had nothing to do with politics or government or anything, really, except for people’s love of running, and personal endurance and accomplishment. The facts are few, and are slowly trickling out, and will be slowly trickling out for days and months to come.

My thoughts and prayers are with every person affected by yesterday’s attack in Boston. What an awful, awful thing.

2. If you have a conspiracy theory about what happened in Boston, please do the world a favor, and shut the fuck up. And maybe have your head examined. I have no patience for you. You’re a terrible human being.

3. That’s my rant. Those are my two thoughts about the tragedy in Boston. It’s awful, and law enforcement should be left to do their jobs. The wild speculation from mainstream media is bad enough (talking heads: stop talking!), but the “false flag” theories that shoot up after something like this — those people should not be accredited any legitimate time or voice in our society, which is to say, don’t let them into press conferences.

4. In the meantime: Monday’s therapist appointment was canceled due to the therapist’s illness (which is fine; I hardly want to meet with a sick doctor!); it’s been rescheduled for tomorrow.

5. Dan and I need to buy a new car. Like, immediately. We’ve picked out some models we want to check out, and to be perfectly frank I would whore this blog out in a red hot minute to drive a Ford Flex. The logistics of the car-buying thing escape me, though. Can you buy a car over the Internet? Because that’s how I buy everything else these days.

6. Hey, WalMart? This is the stupidest thing ever to complain about after what happened to people in Boston yesterday, but it’s my space, so there ya go: The way your bagging area works doesn’t actually work. I abhor shopping at your stores anyway, and it’s always an act of the utmost desperation when I end up there. So to compound my unpleasant experience by having a bagging carousel where it is very, very, extremely easy to leave behind one (or more) of my purchases is infuriating. It’s insult to injury. Do something else.

Go find yourself some happiness today, readers. You all deserve it.

In the Cry Room

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Confession: When I take Michael to church, I use the cry room. When I go to church with just Flora, or just Flora and Kate, I usually don’t. Kate can occupy herself coloring; Flora is supposed to pay closer attention to the mass than she does, but she’s not disruptive. So with the girls I sit in the pews.

When I go with all three kids, though, it’s too much. When Dan comes with us, he sits in the main church with Flora. I sit in the cry room with Michael and Kate. And the main reason I take M in the cry room is so that he has a little bit of space to roam.

In the cry room, M can have a snack. He can play with his cars near my feet. He can walk over to the bookshelf and get a book for us to look at. He can ask for uppie. He’s not a wild child, so I can still sit and listen to the Word of God, and the priest’s homily, and I don’t have to try to restrain him.

However, my current church’s cry room is getting out of control. This past Sunday it was a nightmare.

Here are a few things the cry room is *not* for (said the judgmental mom, I know):

1. It is not for a 4- or 5-year-old child to throw an extended tantrum. If she’s not going to settle down after five minutes or so, please remove her. Go outside (it was a nice day!) or sit in the car. I know it stinks because you’re missing Mass, and I know how hard you worked to actually get the whole family to Mass. I have been in your shoes. But letting her scream for 20 minutes, most of it during the priest’s homily, was pretty awful too.

2. It is not for socializing, three teenage girls in the back. Church is not the place you are supposed to come to catch up with your friends. That’s what cell phones and Facebook are for. And the cry room, especially, is not the place to congregate to talk about classes, boys, and/or Facebook. Please, I’ve got three children here who I’m trying to teach about prayer and church. Your whispering and giggling were rude. And the mom sitting back there with you participating wasn’t cool; she was rude too.

3. It is not for children to run wild. Believe it or not, although we are removed from the larger congregation, it’s not as if that room is a little soundproof chamber. We should, as parents, still attempt to have our children whisper, stay in one place, and not bang on the glass at the front of the room. I fully encourage coloring and looking at books; I even let M roll his cars around on the floor near me, or the seat next to me. Children shouldn’t be running, crashing into each other or the chairs, crashing their toys into each other with sound effects, talking loudly or even shouting. It’s not a rumpus room; it’s a cry room.

4. It’s not for adults to socialize either, by the way. I know that at this point, you can’t hear the priest (I can’t either), and the room is full of loud, tantrumy kids (um, one of whom is yours), and some chatty girls, but that shouldn’t excuse you to plan out the rest of the day with your mom. I hope you had fun shopping, though!

I go to church for a lot of different reasons, and one of them is to be fully present to God. Which I can’t do in a room like this. I suppose I’ll experiment with sitting in the pews with all three kids and see how that goes. M’s kind of the variable here. He’s a good boy, generally not loud. But he’s a mover and a shaker, and at 2 years old, I feel he’s too young for the message “sit still for an hour and be good.”

Where do you go that you wish fellow parents were a little more respectful of the space?

Flora and the Violin: A Love/Hate Relationship

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Last year, Flora asked if she could start violin lessons.

Dan and I talked, and decided first grade was too young for her. We wanted to get her settled into a new school routine, see what homework would be like and so on. If she was still interested, there was no reason she couldn’t start in second grade.

It was the right decision.

Dan was ecstatic that she was interested in violin. If there is a true musical aficionado in my house, it’s Dan, not me. He has very specific and classic tastes (not being snarky here, he really does). And he loves classic music.

I had misgivings about Flora starting an instrument, but the school the girls attend makes it very easy. Classes are during the school day, twice a week; violin rental is a breeze because you just send the teacher a check and he does the actual legwork; and most everything else comes home from the school as well.

The only obstacle — and I know you can see it coming because we’ve talked about Flora’s attention issues before — is practice.

It’s very simple: Flora needs to come home from school and practice violin for 15 minutes.

That’s it. That’s the rule. I’ve been giving her a pass on Fridays and weekends, but I’m going to change that.

She tries to negotiate with me about it. Can she eat dinner first? No. It’s 15 minutes. Can she play with Kate or Michael? No. Go practice. It’s 15 minutes. If she goes to the bathroom in the middle of it, I stop the timer. She has to play her violin for 15 minutes.

Flora and I have had several go-rounds about this topic. And ultimately here are the two issues for me:

1. It’s 15 minutes. She has to be responsible enough to do it when I tell her to do it. I can’t be up in her business about it — I’ve got dinner to get on the table and two other children to manage when we get home. I tell her to hang up her coat and go practice her violin (usually in her room). I will probably continue to give her a pass on Friday (I’m such a softie), but I’ve told her from here on out she has to practice one day on a weekend.

2. (This is the real red flag for me.) When we have had these go-rounds — and we just had one on Monday — I have said to her: You either practice, or you’re quitting violin. It makes no difference to me (although quitting would save me a semi-weekly argument, and a bit of cash). If she is going to stop playing, she has to tell her father and tell the violin teacher.

Flora is afraid to tell her father (and/or the violin teacher; I’m sure the violin teacher at the school has seen his share of students who’ve quit). She doesn’t want to disappoint him (or them).

I am uncomfortable with this. Flora is a born people pleaser, which is fine to an extent. (Oh, and I’m the exception. It’s not that Flora doesn’t want to please me, she just wants to do it in the easiest, quickest way possible, which is why she tries to negotiate with me so often.) But now her desire to please her father is conflicting with her desire to be committed to violin.

I don’t know how to help her resolve this conflict. I don’t even know that I should. She has “quit” about three times already — until she talks to Dan. Then she recommits. Then about two weeks (or two days, or 10 days, or however long it takes Flora to decide that 15 minutes is JUST TOO LONG!), Flora and I argue about practice again.

I flipping hate it.

I don’t know if anyone has suggestions or wants to give me encouragement or whatnot. This is kind of one of those posts that I just had to write because it’s a parenting issue driving me bonkers. Please, don’t suggest a chore chart or reward system. I have so many gd chore charts and reward systems started in my house. I never keep up with any of them. Flora’s not the only one with commitment issues.

And yes, Dan and I have talked about this too. I don’t know that we are on the same page here. For all I know, he is promising to buy her a pony (hyperbole alert) if she sticks with the violin. He knows my position.

Thinking Aloud: Gun Control

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I read Josh Marshall’s editorial at Talking Points Memo yesterday, about what he calls “his tribe” that is, people who don’t carry guns and are, unabashedly, non-gun people. It’s worth a read.

A sample: “I think guns are kind of scary and don’t want to be around them. Yes, plenty of people have them and use them safely. And I have no problem with that. But remember, handguns especially are designed to kill people.”

I talked about this in the immediate aftermath of Newtown myself. A lot of what Marshall talks about in his article — in sum, how he rejects the idea that gun culture can run roughshod over non-gun people like him in the name of the 2nd Amendment — hit home for me.

I shot guns occasionally. I was a Girl Scout, and pretty good with the .22 rifles we used to shoot cans. As an adult, a boyfriend and I shot skeet (pretty fun, and I was pretty good at that, too), and at a target range. I fired an AK-47 (the AR-15 of the ’90s). It was hot. I was 24.

I briefly dated a man who had a permit to conceal carry. And he did, as I discovered the first time I was kissing him. Explained the way he wore t-shirts under very baggy flannels (he wasn’t into grunge, so that wasn’t why). Walking me home later that night, he said, “Don’t you feel safe knowing I have a gun on me?”

No, I said. No, I don’t feel safe at all, actually.

We didn’t go on another date.

Fast forward to where we are in America today. Some days, I feel like going to buy a gun, use it to practice at the target range near my house. You know, for the zombie apocalypse. I would probably store it off site — I don’t want a gun in my home, not as long as my children are young.

Most days, I don’t want a own a gun. Most days, I don’t care about gun owning either way. I do think most of the gun owners I know (even the conceal carry guy I walked home with that evening) are perfectly responsible gun owners, well within their rights to own guns.

But it’s gotten out of control, the gun culture in America. Like Josh Marshall, I don’t want to live in a high-fear, mutual assured deterrence kind of society. And I don’t think all the guns have to go away.

But some of them do. And some people should not be able to get guns. And some kinds of ammunition should not be available to the general public.

I support the gun control measures that Vice President Biden (I’m an unabashed fan of his, as I’ve said) and President Obama proposed earlier this week. (The only part of it that gives me pause are the HIPAA provisions; I need to hear more about those.) As Biden put in in his email to me (I know!), “Each of them honors the rights of law-abiding, responsible Americans to bear arms. Some of them will require action from Congress; the President is acting on others immediately. But they’re all commonsense and will help make us a little safer.”

If now is not the time to talk about this, to move on this, then I don’t know when is.

Dear People of the World: Don’t Do This

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People behave pretty appallingly. I don’t know if I was generally ignorant of this trend in the past, or if the Internet (and, okay, the advice column I’m addicted to, Dear Prudence at Slate.com) has made it apparent how horrid some people are.

Here’s a short list of shit that people really shouldn’t do (and if you know people who are thinking of doing any of these things, stop them).

1. Endless pregnancy/baby related celebrations. Women have been having babies for millennia. No one should ever:
a. post a picture of their positive pregnancy test to the Internet or social media.
b. have a sonogram/ultrasound party OR a gender-reveal party. It’s just not that important (to anyone but the parents-to-be).
c. have baby showers past baby one. I mean, I guess if it’s been six or ten or fifteen years between babies, more than one baby shower is understandable. But a shower for each baby? No. Overkill. Don’t do it.

2. Do not DEMAND A SHOWER FROM SOMEONE OR THROW YOUR OWN SHOWER, baby or wedding.

3. Speaking of weddings: The Bridezillas of the world have got to be stopped, people. It’s out of hand. Parents of the world, do not raise daughters to believe that their wedding is the most special day of their lives and they have carte blanche to demand that EVERYONE KOWTOW to their every wish. Grooms-to-be, if your formerly sweet girlfriend (now your fiancee) whom you loves turns into someone unrecognizable while planning her wedding, sit her down for a long talk. (Or a short one: Stop it.)

For a short list of things not to do if you are a bride, please see this Gawker article for samples from the Most Demanding Bride Ever.

So many flavors of wrong.

4. Do not ask perfect strangers (or passing acquaintances) nosy questions regarding their child-bearing plans, their pregnancies, their pending labors and deliveries, and/or how (or if) they plan to raise their children. It’s not your business, and you aren’t entitled to know whether or not the mother-to-be is going to opt for an epidural. Unless you had a hand in making that baby, or are the medical professional involved in prenatal care for that baby, don’t ask. MYOB.

5. No one should be in the delivery room except whomever the birthing mother wants to be in the delivery room. No one should ask (or demand) to be in the delivery room. That baby is not going to know (or care) who is there (excepting, probably, its mom, and even then it’s not like a conscious-type “want”, KWIM?). The parents, however, will remember who was a jerk about wanting to be in the delivery room.

6. Do not inform people they have been unfriended or that they are not invited to your upcoming Very Special Celebration. It’s just not nice. If someone is not invited to your wedding, for instance, there is no need to send them an announcement that they will not be invited to your wedding.

6b. Don’t assume you’re invited to someone’s wedding. If you are Facebook friends with people from high school or college, but haven’t talked to them IRL in five years? You’re probably not going to be invited to their wedding. It’s okay. If you’re out drinking with the groom-to-be, and he says, “Hey, man, are you coming to my wedding?” but then you don’t get a paper invite? You’re not invited. It’s okay.

6c. Don’t demand that your children (or grandchildren) be allowed to attend someone else’s wedding. If you want to have kids at your wedding? Go right ahead. Not everyone is as generous as you. (I say this as a person who did not invite the majority of children from my family to my wedding — I have a lot of second cousins who were young when I married 11 years ago.)

7. (This is the one that’s possibly going to hurt some feelings.) Don’t expect everyone to celebrate your birthday with you. If you are over the age of, oh, 18 to 21, the days of “birthday parties” are over.

I say this as a person who enjoys her birthday every year. It’s my day. I believe in celebrating your birthday — it’s your day! Just don’t expect the world to stop and fete you. Those days are gone. Make your own celebration. Treat yourself. And if people offer to 1. take you to dinner or out for drinks or 2. bring you cake, graciously accept. But don’t expect it as your due.

8. Don’t text and drive. I mean, I know everyone knows this. Except the people who think THEY can text and drive, but no one else should. Put the phone down for the drive. It’s okay. You can check your tweets/emails/texts when you park your car.

9. Don’t conflate chastity and celibacy. (All right, this is less about behavior and more of a pet peeve of mine.) Celibacy is a vow to not marry; chastity is a vow not to have sex. Now, in the Catholic church, priests take a vow of celibacy — that is, they vow they will not marry with the understanding that sex outside of marriage is a mortal sin. It’s not breaking their vows, but it’s sinful. Catholics nuns, on the other hand, are sybolically married to Jesus, and they vow to remain chaste, that is, not have sex at all. You can personally vow to not marry or to remain chaste (or both), but don’t declare that you’re “taking a vow of celibacy” if you don’t want to have meaningless sexual encounters (anymore).

10. I guess, to get to the point (too late! haha): it’s not all about you. We need to remember that, while our lives are important to us (and our children are important to us, where applicable), they are not as vitally important to everyone else. Heck, my life isn’t the center of my parents’ lives even (anymore)! And that’s okay.

If we can, we should gently remind others that’s it’s not all about them. I don’t know if it’s helicopter parenting, the Internet and social media, reality television, or the unholy intersection of these factors that lead to this awful expectation of me-type entitlement, but honestly. Let’s all step back a little bit, take a deep breath, and be real. Let’s not behave appallingly. Let’s choose kindness. (h/t Wonder, by R.J. Palacio)

What do you see people regularly doing that you wish they would just stop?

An Open Letter to Status Quo

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I am not a gun person, I freely admit that. Gun control — stricter gun control — makes a lot of sense to me.

Not a ban on guns. Bans don’t work. (Nor do “wars” on things, i.e. the War on Drugs.)

More guns is not the answer. Arming teachers or principals, letting civilians carry concealed, NO. Not the way to go. I will reject that argument out of hand. Not sorry.

Here are some things I read in the wake of the mass shooting in Newton, Connecticut that make a lot of sense to me. If I have to argue about this, these are my go-tos.

First up, fictional President of the United States, Josiah Bartlett, via Facebook:

Here are some very practical things he suggests (I’m paraphrasing): increasing psychological screening and weapons training; increase penalties for illegal firearm possession; better mental health programs for all Americans; increased enforcement of existing gun control laws; increased funding and power to the ATF.

A couple of Slate articles:
Things Can Change. To my point, the status quo doesn’t have to stay the status quo.

Australia’s Strict Gun Laws.

From The American Prospect site: 10 Arguments Gun Advocates Make and Why They Are Wrong.

Finally, Senator Dianne Feinstein’s upcoming bill in the Senate to ban certain types of weapons.

If these things don’t make sense to you, why? In the wake of shootings in Tucson; Aurora, Colorado; outside of Oregon; in Newtown, Connecticut, I do not do not do not understand how the status quo is still okay with you. I just do not.

In Tucson, a 9-year-old girl died.
In Aurora, a 6-year-old died.
In Connecticut, 20 children — twenty 6- and 7-year-olds — died.

This is what the status quo has reaped for us in America.

Updated to add: I’ve been reflecting on mass shootings, but what about homicide rates in black and minority communities? African Americans are dispropotionally affected by gun violence. Tighter restrictions and increased enforcement will go toward keeping children in those communities safe, too.

I am fine with responsible gun ownership. That makes sense to me too. The problem is irresponsible gun ownership, weapons that can kill TWENTY-SIX PEOPLE IN 10 MINUTES, shoddy background checks, and a mental health system where people slip through cracks and under radars.

I don’t want to take away all the guns. Don’t go there.

On Friday, 20 families were robbed of the opportunity to ever tuck their children in again at night, or give them another hug or kiss. Or even yell at them, or laugh at them. They get to bury them this week.

If you find that acceptable, or think that nothing can be done about that, or that nothing SHOULD be done about that, I think something is wrong with you.

Not sorry. The status quo has to change.

PSA: Children in Public

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I can’t believe I’m writing something like this, but after what I witnessed Wednesday night, it’s clear that some parents have no clue what constitutes “public” and “behavior”.

I was at my daughters’ school Christmas concert. I only took Flora because she was the only participant (she played her violin with the beginning violin class — mostly just exercises. Very cute.)

I was appalled by the lack of parental oversight and by the fact that people left when their kids were done. I felt for the teachers who had worked hard to put the concert together, and I really felt bad for the kids in the last group to perform. They were looking at a lot of empty chairs.

I know that a school gymnasium isn’t Heinz Hall. But I still think parents should have told their children to sit with them and to be quiet. When Flora was not on stage, I made her sit with me. She was squirmy and impatient — she has attention deficit issues — but she listened to me (mostly — she folded the program into a paper airplane when I wasn’t looking). I really don’t understand why parents treated the event as a free-for-all for the non-performing children or younger siblings.

The other thing that I found unbelievably, unacceptably rude was parents leaving with their children after their performances. There were four mini-programs: violins, chorus, beginning band, and advanced band. I was stunned to see parents packing off their kids as soon as they came off stage.

The “concert” was an hour. An hour. It was finished shortly after 8 p.m.

The teachers bring a lot of passion to events like this. The children, while they may not bring a lot of skill, certainly bring a lot of enthusiasm, and I think there’s a lot to be said for that. By letting kids wander around (if not run outright), whisper with their friends, and leave early parents are communicating the message that other people aren’t important. All that matters is what *you* want to do. That’s not a good message for kids.

For the record, I am an advocate for children in public. If you are a parent, I believe that not only do you have a right to bring your offspring out in public, but, frankly, you have a duty to do so. Children believe they are the center of the world (and frankly some parents do too much to foster this belief, IMHO). Teaching them they are not serves them well. Manners, common courtesy, boundaries, patience, learning to entertain oneself — all of these are benefits of learning to behave appropriately in public.

I just have a few minor guidelines.

1. Know your audience. It seems to me that there are enough child-friendly, child-centric places to bring a child that parents don’t need to bring their kids places that are (explictly or implicitly NOT child friendly). For example, let’s take restaurants. There are lots of restaurants where kids are kind of expected if not explicitly welcomed: Chuck E. Cheese, obviously; here in Pittsburgh, Eat ‘n’ Park seems to have been opened especially to cater to children and senior citizens; other chains like The Olive Garden. Busy places with brisk turnover and fast service are parents’ best bets. In my opinion, children’s menus are optional.

The small, exclusively French restaurant where a meal takes three hours? Not a good bet.

And then there are places that aren’t optimal for children, but it’s unavoidable sometimes. Airplanes. Church. Try to have a plan to minimize others’ pain. Don’t just give your kids free reign because you have to go visit grandma and grandpa, and they live across the country. I dislike when parents throw up their hands in public, like, “Kids will be kids!” No, kids will be adults some day. You can teach them that self-control is a realistic goal.

2. Know your kid. My children are slaves, to a certain extent, to their schedules. I made them that way, kind of on purpose. Especially when it comes to naps and bedtimes — I wanted my children to get naps and have firm bedtimes, so when it came to running errands or being out in public in general, I avoided the nap and bedtime hours. This goes double for meal time. If going to a restaurant is part of your errand running, good on you. Otherwise, make sure junior (and, possibly, you) has something to snack on. A kid with low blood sugar is sure to make everyone unhappy.

3. Don’t push it. Young children have limits. Don’t push them. We can’t always predict when or why our child will meltdown or have a tantrum. Be flexible, be prepared to drop what you are doing, be prepared to pay the check and leave. The days of coffee and dessert are over for awhile. The wonderful thing about kids is that, eventually, they will be able to sit long enough for you (and probably them) to have your cake and eat it too.